Our Little Bean: A Roller Coaster Ride ( A personal post)

This is not the type of post I ever thought I would be writing about our "Little Bean".  This is pretty matter of fact and personal so if you don't want a lot of details about what happened then you may not want to read. I want it all out there for the record and I want to share our experience.

Klint and I always knew that we wanted one more child even though Sophie keeps us on our toes. We just always felt we needed one more. In May of 2011 we decided it was time to start trying to make that second baby a reality. That August I received a positive on a home pregnancy test. We were so excited because it was going to be perfect timing. We would have the baby in May of 2012, great for a teacher. We were also happy because it didn't take us nearly as long as it did with Sophie. Sadly, the next day I started spotting and started getting negative tests in the next couple of days. I did have a blood test and it came back negative. I suffered a chemical pregnancy, my second one. The American Pregnancy Association says this about chemical pregnancies:

     "Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy." 

I know that have had at least two of these maybe three. More women are finding out about these because of early pregnancy tests. We were devastated because you are so happy and then BAM, the bottom falls out and you feel like you are starting all over. It just feels like a mean trick!

We continued trying but had several things to overcome. Klint had several months of adjusting to a new medicine and we had different health issues. Finally, in May of 2012, a year later, we got a positive. I felt so good about this one. The first sign of being pregnant was being super tired starting that Wednesday before our positive test. It was like I hit a wall. Then that Thursday, the day before my period,  I went and bought a bunch of dollar tree test and got a positive that night. It made me even more excited because it wasn't first thing in the morning like you are supposed to wait and try. It made me double excited because Klint could see the line and he could never see the line before. That Friday morning I took another one and got a darker line. I had no sign of my period. I went to school and told a few friends. I was still a little skeptical because I had been here before and knew how fast it could all change. Sure enough, I had a shock that afternoon with some spotting. Nothing major, but I freaked! Klint told me that he wanted me to go get a digital. He said it would make me feel better and we would no one way or the other. I went that night and it instantly came up pregnant. We were doing good and by Sunday I had no more spotting. 

Monday I went for a blood test and Tuesday got the results. My numbers were 537. Pretty high and really good for early pregnancy. I went back that Wednesday for another blood test to make sure my numbers were going up. They had gone up to 1450. We were ecstatic! The doctor wanted me to come one more time to make sure my numbers were still good. I went back the following week and they were in the 15,000s. At this point we had told our parents. Sophie knew and had told almost everyone she met. We had no reason to think that anything was going to go wrong because my numbers were higher than they were with Sophie. The doctor called that Thursday after my last blood test and told me she wanted me to come in Friday because my numbers were so high she wanted to make sure that I wasn't further along than what we had predicted I was.  I freaked! I just knew she felt something was wrong and I spent the whole night looking at everything bad it could be! Needless to say, that morning I was a nervous wreck. 

The same ultrasound tech did our ultrasounds with Sophie so she was excited to see us back. We got the ultrasound underway. She showed us thegestational sac, a yolk sac and a tiny baby. He/She was measuring a day smaller than what I actually was, but Sophie measured smaller too. I kept looking at the screen straining to see the flutter of the heart. Slowly she found it and I just cried. Our little bean had a heartbeat! We were really lucky to see it so early. It was only at 98bpm, but the tech told us it was still early and the heart had just started beating. We weren't too worried because Sophie's heart rate was 107bpm when we first saw her and the next week it was perfect. We had no reason to think that the same thing wouldn't happen with this one. 

We decided to go ahead and announce it to everyone. We took a picture of Sophie in her big sister shirt and told the world on Facebook. We knew it was early, but we didn't feel we had anything to worry about. That Thursday, we went back for our follow-up ultrasound. We expected to see a healthy bean and maybe even hear the heartbeat since I was seven weeks. As the tech started the ultrasound. She measured the gestational sac and it measured where it should be. She measured the yolk sac and it measured right. Then she measured the baby and it only come up to 6 weeks 1 day. My heart sank. I said something about the baby hadn't grown. The tech told me to wait just a minute and she moved around for a better look and remeasured. I'll never forget what she said, "Mrs. Jessica, this is your baby" she used the cursor on the screen to show me and Klint "and it is only measuring a day bigger than it did from the last ultrasound and there is no heartbeat." I just went numb. I didn't know what to feel. Poor Klint was in shock. We were leaving for vacation in two days and now we had to think about saying goodbye to our baby. The thought of trying to explain to Sophie what happened made me sick. I felt so many emotions. I was like a pinball hitting every feeling you could feel on my way around the board. 

The doctor talked to us and told us that she wanted to see me back that Tuesday. I told her it wasn't an option. I had to get out of town. I didn't want to stay here and think about what we had lost, I wanted to go away and grieve how I needed to and if I didn't want to think about it, I didn't have to. She said that was fine. She said it wouldn't hurt me to continue to carry the baby. I hated that thought. I felt like a walking tomb. She told me I might miscarry naturally (which I haven't) and if I didn't that we could talk about my options when we get back. 

So, here I sit. I go tomorrow to the doctor to discuss our options since I haven't lost the baby. I knew I probably wouldn't since I held onto my pregnancy hormones even after Sophie was born. Trying to form a plan to get rid of your baby is something that no one should ever have to go through. I keep saying the doctor will take care of it, but that feels and sounds so inhuman and just makes me cry because it was our baby for six weeks. Klint and I wanted this baby so bad! I have gone through the anger that God let this happen, to the sadness that I lost our baby, to the guilt that I might have done something wrong, to the silver lining phase at thinking about the things I can do this summer that I was going to have to put off, and back to the anger phase because I shouldn't be thinking about that.  

I didn't escape the loss completely on my vacation as I still had to deal with pregnancy hormones and the nausea they caused and the other effects they had on my body. I was in constant worry mode that it would happen while we were out at dinner or shopping. I didn't want it to happen where Sophie would have to see me in pain. She had already seen me cry enough and has/had been trying herself to figure out where the baby had gone. We told her that God needed an angel and he needed the baby to come back to Heaven. We also told her that Nonnie, my mom, was watching the baby now and I truly believe that and I am so glad that she is up there to be with him/her. That is my one solace in all of this. 

A friend on Facebook recommended that I read Heaven is for Real and it was a really good suggestion. The book is a true story about a little boy about Sophie's age who goes to Heaven. As the story unfolds about what all he saw, he reveals he met his sister in Heaven. His parents had never told him about their miscarriage. It was amazing to read about what he learned about his sister he never knew. The mom shared a little of her feelings about the miscarriage and it pretty much summed up how I felt.  

     "Sonja had told me that to her the miscarriage not only seared her heart with grief, but it also felt like a personal failure. "You do all the right things, eat all the right things, and you pray for the baby's health, but still this tiny baby dies inside you," she had once told me. "I feel guilty. I know in my mind that it wasn't my fault, but there's still this guilt." Heaven is for Real, Todd Burpo

I think I feel the most guilt at losing sight at what I do have. I have a wonderful, spirited, healthy, beautiful little girl. I wanted this baby so bad that I lost sight of that. I really did regain that focus on our trip watching her experience new things and have a blast. 

I know that we can have a healthy baby. We have done it once and we can do it again. It will be on God's time and I need to have faith in that.  And if it never happens, then we will be okay with that too. We have a wonderful little angel here and we know we have another one in Heaven waiting for us.

Thank you everyone for the prayers and love that you have shown our family through all of this. We are truly blessed. Please continue to pray for us this week as we meet with the doctors and figure out what we need to do. 

One more thing I want to share is a song that really spoke to me. Klint told me about it after my mom passed and I liked it, but for some reason it seemed to fit with this situation better for me. It is called "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam.