Letter to Mom...

Dear Mom,
Four years....that is a hard pill to swallow once you see it written out or say it out loud. Four years is too long to go without a mother. A day is really too long without a mom. I would know because it was impossible for me not to call you everyday when you were alive. Four years...so much I haven't been able to share with you in those four years.

Me...I'm fine! I find I say that a lot now a days because it just seems the easiest thing to say. What I should say is I am not fine. I haven't been fine for four years. I haven't felt balanced for four years. I haven't felt complete for four years. I haven't had my best friend for four years. You just knew. You knew me as only a mother would know their child and what they think, how they feel, what makes them tick. You knew what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. You let me make my decisions and when they backfired you wouldn't say "I told you so!" You would be my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and my compass to the next part of my life. Don't get me wrong. Klint is a tremendous light in my life and his advice and love are all I need most days. But there are still days when I long to hear you get excited because I am excited. Hear you laugh because I am exasperated with something Sophie has done. See the pride in your eyes at your youngest granddaughter, who you didn't meet on Earth, crawl before the other kids in her class.That's what I miss. I cling to things with your signature because it is my proof that you were here and that you loved me. I still have your number in my phone because it was once my connection to you. I still have emails in my inbox that you sent to me because when I see them for an instant I feel like you just sent them. I know this sounds like the ramblings of a mad person and that I am in denial, but I am very aware that you are not here physically. But these pieces make the world continuing on without you a little more bearable. It keeps me a little more balanced. It is my testimony that you were here!

Klint...He is the best husband, Mom. I am not an easy person to live with (as I know you are aware). He takes my flakiness, blondness, emotional times in stride and loves me even more for them. He is the first person I felt human around and felt like I could be myself besides around family of course. He does everything for me and the girls. He is the best daddy! Sophie is his little girl. She loves her daddy and they both think each other hung the moon. God couldn't have sent me a better partner when He put him in my life.

Sophie...Goodness your girl is a mess!  She brightens my life everyday. I have told her she helped me through one of the darkest parts of my life, losing you. I know she is too young to understand now, but maybe one day she will! She is so strong willed and stubborn and driven to get what she wants! I also know your pain in picking out my clothes when I was her age. We have a daily battle! She knows what she wants to wear just like I did back then. She's is very smart. Her reasoning and logic are unbelievable. You would love hearing her talk endlessly about princesses and loving church and her friend Justin and how she is going to marry him. (We tell her that is a long way off!) You would be amazed by her!

Maggie...How I missed you through my journey with Maggie and I wish everyday I could hear you talk about her now. I like to think you are a small part of the reason she is here with us today. (God, His grace, and faith are the big parts!) She is so perceptive and learns so fast! She came home smiling and she is my girl! She said "Momma" first and and calls me very often! Makes my heart happy! She is my little girl!

This year has been tougher than the last three because there are so many first that you have missed this year. You missed Sophie's first day of school. Maggie being born (Goodness, I missed you that day, but I felt you everywhere)! Maggie crawling! Maggie's first word! Just so much that you should be here for and you aren't.

I get angry. I get sad. I feel robbed! I feel hurt! Then I feel guilty for feeling this because I know that you are happy up there and you don't have gray hair (that plagued you here :) ) and your knees don't hurt anymore and you are with Pa and the child you never got to meet. Those thoughts make me happy and make me impatient to see you again one day.

I love you, Mom! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you!

20 lessons I hope my children learn...

I started this post last year and didn't get around to finishing it! Here it is completed!

2012: The other day, as I was driving to work, I passed a big truck with a high school boy and a girl riding in the middle of the truck. It reminded me of my days in high school and being the girl in the middle of the truck. I started to think about one day that girl might be one of my little girls. Made me a little nauseated honestly. My mom did a good job of instilling in me the things that were important  and what she expected of me. I started to think of the things I wanted Sophie and Maggie to learn or appreciate in their lives and what I expected of them. Here are my 20.

To My Sophie and Maggie:

1. Always put God and His church first. You can do all things through God. Let Him be your guide in life through prayer and reading His word, the Bible.

2. Love is not just a four letter word. Love is a big deal and is not a word that you just throw around. Love is something that you do. It is something that you don't give on a whim. It comes with trust and respect. It is something that needs continuous work to help it continue to grow. Love is the greatest action in the world!

3. Your mama and daddy love you no matter what. Yes, you will disappoint us. Yes, there will be times that we have to ground or otherwise punish you. Please know that does not change our love or feelings for you. You will always be part of us. Our love will never go away!

4. Boys will lie! Some of them will. This is when putting God first comes in handy (and a box of tissues and chocolate ice cream and your mama's shoulder)!

5. Girls will lie! Sometimes even your "friends." Refer to number 1 for help (and the box of tissues, chocolate ice cream and your mama's shoulder work for this too)!

6. Wash your face every night! (I mean it!) Your mother has struggled with bad skin her whole life. A lot of it was because I didn't wash my face. So I will be making sure you follow through with this one.

7.If you don't enjoy something, then stop doing it. Don't play a sport because you think we want you to or because you think that is what you are supposed to do. Don't participate in drama because I did. Don't pretend to like golf because that is what dad watches on the weekends. Do what makes you happy when it comes to activities in school!

8. The most popular boy or girl in school is not going to be popular forever. Eventually they become adults and they become just like everyone else. Sometimes they lose their muscle, they lose their charm, and in all honesty they lose their appeal. Don't feel bad if you aren't their friend in school or if you appear to go unnoticed. God has other plans and He has something even better in store for you.

9. Save your money! Watch what you spend and save when you can!

10. Read your Bible and pray! The answer is always there and God is always listening!

11. Don't let anyone ever question your worth! You are more valuable to me and your daddy than you will ever know!

12. Putting a plan into action doesn't always mean it will go how you have it planned. Buckle up and enjoy the journey!

13. Find a love that is more like a comedy then a romance movie! If you can find the person that makes you laugh at yourself and life (and not take everything so seriously), then you have found the right one!

14. Look for inspiration everywhere! Take everything in because the smallest thing can inspire you and make your day go better!

15. When you find friends that understand your sense of humor, knows what you are thinking with just a look, and can use code words with you to have a whole conversation, you are truly blessed with a great gift! Cling to these people because they are rare jewels!

16. Never be ashamed of who you were or mistakes you have made! Life is too short to live in the past! Chin up, learn from them,  and move forward!

17. Be adventurous! Don't be afraid to try something new (except a tattoo or some weird piercing! Discuss that with us first PLEASE)!

18. Date someone that you would marry! I'm not saying you will find "the one" in high school (but you could). But look at every boy through the scope of "Would I want my children to call this guy "daddy" one day?" "Does he have goals beyond high school or Friday night even?" "Does he value what I value?" Seriously think about these things!

19. You always have a home with mom and dad!

20. Dance! (When you are happy, when you are sad, when you are cleaning the house...just dance!)

I'm sure there are more that I want you, my sweet little girls, to get from life, but these will get you started and guide you on this journey of life!

Love,
Your mama

Sophie at 4 and Maggie at 6 months

New Baby Must Haves!

My cousin is expecting a baby in July. While talking to her this past weekend, I pulled out Gripe Water to help get rid of Maggie's hiccups. We also talked about Mylicon drops. She looked at me and said, "Why did you not tell me about all of this with Hailey?" I laughed and said, "You had the first baby. I didn't know about any of it." So it gave me the idea to share some of the things that I have really found useful with both girls. Here are a few of my favorite things where babies are concerned!

1. Gripe Water: I heard of gripe water with Sophie and tried it, but didn't have much luck with it. It didn't help her so I just kind of dismissed it. Maggie has been totally different. She gets hiccups all the time. A blogger friend, Emily Parker, suggested Gripe Water. I was desperate and gave it a try. It worked instantly. When she gets hiccups, I just give her a little and it almost always knocks out her hiccups. It is a miracle drug!

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2. Mylicon: I love Mylicon drops. I like that it kills the foam in formula and I feel like it does help their tummies with gassiness. With Sophie I used the Target brand and found they worked a little better than the name brand kind. With Maggie I have used the Equate brand and they work great! Why pay more for just a name?

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3. A good diaper bag: I totally recommend finding a diaper bag that you love. Shop around and don't just go for looks. Look at the function of the diaper bag. I really shopped around for a diaper bag this time and ended up going with the same bag I had with Sophie. I got a Kalencom. I love their bags! They clean easily and have plenty of space. Zulilly will occasionally have a sale on them and you can get them cheap! I also love the SkipHop diaper bags. You can find them cheaper on Amazon then on their actual website. They also carry them at Babies R Us and I saw one at Ross the other day. They are really cute, coated for easy clean up and have lots of space. Find one that fits your needs and go with it!

                                                     Skip Hop                                     Kalencom

4. Rock N Play Sleeper: I highly recommend the Rock N Play sleeper by Fisher Price. This is what we got for Maggie to sleep in and she seems to really like it. It is angled which is great since she has reflux issues. She sleeps in it pretty good, but she is a grunty baby so it is hard to tell how soundly that really is. They are reasonable in price as well. They are also really easy to travel with because they are light weight. Glad my step-mom got this for me! There was a recent recall on these that said mold grew between the padding and the seat. I can see where this would happen if the child had an accident and you didn't clean the cover and let it dry. We have had no issues so far!

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5. Breast Pump: I have tried to breastfeed both of my girls. With Sophie I ended up pumping. With Maggie I breastfed until we got home and then switched to formula. If you choose to pump, you need to invest in a good breast pump. I highly recommend an electric one because the hand pumps are time consuming and I don't think they work as well. My step-mom had purchased one for my cousin so I just used it. It is a Medela and it worked great! I would also recommend investing in the bra for hands free pumping  Holding the bottles while you pump really ties you down. Target has a good variety of Medela products and they carry a lot of them in the store. A few more things I recommend if you decide to pump or breastfeed is lanolin cream for your nipples, hydrogel pads (water based are best and only use for 48 hours), and the nipple shields (for when you can't use the hydrogel pads anymore). There are also other accessories out there. 

                         

6. Bouncy Seat: We have a Boppy Bouncy Seat we used with Sophie that we use with Maggie as well. It is great for propping her up and for moving her where we need her (at the dining table, in the bathroom, etc.) Definitely get one!

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7. Boppy Pillow: These are great for a lot of things. We used it to prop Sophie up while we got ready in the morning. We used it for tummy time occasionally  We used it for feeding her (its real purpose). They are great for a lot of different things. I do not recommend leaving your child sitting in it unsupervised or for extended periods of time. We have used it for Maggie some, but I know we will use it more the older she gets.

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8. Cloth Diapers: No, not for diapering, for burping! I have a stack of all kinds of cloth diapers that I used around the house for burp cloths. I save the cute one for when we go out. They are great for feeding and if they are a little stained, who cares? You just use them around the house, right? I have a ridiculous amount of them from Sophie and I bought a pack with Maggie as well. I go through four to five a day. It gets spit up on it or milk, in the clothes hamper it goes! I highly recommend getting some of these.

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9. Carseat Canopy: This is something I wish I had with Sophie! It is like a tent that goes over the baby carrier. It is great for the doctor's office and other places you are worried about germs getting in or when it is cold. You can make your own (I found several tutorials) or buy one at carseatcanopy.com.  I bought one and then had one given to me as a shower gift. Sometimes in parenting magazines, you can find a code to just pay for the shipping on one which is what I did. 

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10. A&D Ointment: I still use this on Sophie and she is potty trained. She gets irritated once in awhile and this clears it up instantly! Get the ointment not the cream. I had a doctor tell me this. He said it worked better than any cream out there and so far it has!

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11. Orbit Labels: I highly recommend these if you are sending your child to daycare or even for the church nursery. These are little rubber bands that have your child's name on them. I had these with Sophie and I am ordering some for Maggie as well. You can order these from inchbug.com. I love Inchbug! They have all kinds of neat things. I highly recommend their website!

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12: Gowns: I love gowns for babies! They are so easy in those first weeks when you are changing diapers every 10 minutes. No snaps and it keeps them covered! Maggie's doctor at the hospital said she loved them because of their ease as well. Sophie lived in them and Maggie does too for the most part.

This is one of Sophie's old gowns from Old Navy! I think she looks like a caterpillar!

13. Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags: I LOVE these bags! They are great at sterilizing and they are super easy to use. They are made by Medela, but there is also a Munchkin kind for cheaper. I have used both and they are the same. You wash your bottles and nipples or your breast pump equipment and put it in these bags with a little water and sterilize them in the microwave. You get 20 uses out of each bag. So great!

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14. Graco Electric Nasal Aspirator: (I don't want to end on 13...he he!) This was suggested to me by a doctor when Sophie was really sick and had a very runny nose! It is super easy to use and really gets out the crud. Sophie wasn't crazy about it, but Maggie doesn't seem to mind and it kind of vibrates which causes them to sneeze which definitely gets the yucky stuff out! I would definitely get one!

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Here is my list of essentials! I could go on and on! I have my opinion on bottles and pacis (I use Avent for both) and diapers and wipes (I use Pampers Sensitive), but that is something you need to decide for yourself at what works for your baby! I hope this helps all my new mommy friends!

January 4th: The Day Our Miracle was Born!

I have gone back and forth about writing Maggie's birth story because a) I feel that sometimes we put too much out there that should be private. That is not directed at anyone specifically. I have been told that I share too much at times. That is one reason I have struggled with this post. b) I have a lot of friends right now who are expecting and I don't want to freak them out because Klint and I were shocked after her birth. I really don't want to scare anyone else.

I guess I should preface my story by saying that Maggie was my second and second babies tend to go a lot quicker. Where Sophie took me from 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. to have, Maggie did not. Here is her story...

From the beginning with Maggie I made it clear that I did not want a man to deliver me. I wanted my doctor who I had seen the whole time. I knew that if it happened naturally I was in for whoever was on call, but I had hoped we could induce again and I would have my doctor. It worked out that is exactly what happened. I chose to be induced on the 4th so I could have who I wanted deliver me. I know that may seem silly, but with Sophie, I had a male doctor who I was not happy with. He didn't let me get loud at all in my pushing. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to adjust my position. It was just horrific. I didn't want that experience this time.

Up to my induction date, Klint and I traveled to Valdosta. We knew we were chancing it, but Tifton is only 45 minutes away. I was sure we would be fine to make it back. Ha! If I knew then what I know now, I would not have chanced it.

We went in at midnight on the 4th. I was a nervous wreck. Sophie was with Klint's mom and I just wanted to cry the whole night. The feelings of her not being the only one anymore and what if something goes wrong, all of it just had me on edge. 

39 weeks with Maggie!

39 weeks with Sophie!

They checked me in and I had to be monitored for an hour before they would insert a pill to help progress my dilation. When I went in I was almost 3cm. After my hour of being monitored they inserted the pill. I had to lay flat on my back for an hour which was torture!!! The beds are so uncomfortable and my back was killing me. As soon as my hour was up, I flipped to my side. I could tell I was having contractions, but they weren't too bad. They came in to check me to see if they needed to do another pill. I was a full 3cm almost 4cm and thinning. They decided to wait until 5:00 to do another pill. After suffering through an hour of laying on my back again, I finally flipped to my side and dozed off. At 8:00 the doctor came in. She checked me and said I was 4cm, almost 5cm. She wanted to go ahead and break my water. I asked for one last potty break before we went forward. I remembered with Sophie that once they broke my water, my contractions really got to rocking so I wanted to be ready. They broke my water at 8:02 and within 10 minutes I was contracting pretty good. I told Klint to get the nurse to start my IV so I could get my epidural. They came in and started it and the contractions got worse and worse. 

After about three more bad contractions, I told Klint I really needed to push. He told the nurse and she checked me. I was at 7cm. She called the doctor to see about my epidural or some kind of IV meds. I had a couple more contractions. At this point I looked at Klint and said, "I'm not going to get an epidural." He tried to reassure me I would, but when he looked at the nurses they wouldn't meet his eyes. He pretty much knew I was right. Poor Klint! I felt horrible because I was trying to rip his hand off. The contractions hurt so bad! He said he looked down at one point during one of my contractions and his fingertips were purple! They probably should have x-rayed his hand after it was all over to make sure it was functional! Ha!

I told Klint I needed to push. I just felt like if I pushed I wouldn't hurt anymore. I never felt this feeling with Sophie, thanks to the epidural, and know this is why I ended up pushing for two hours to have her. The nurse checked me and she said she only felt my cervix on one side. They got the head nurse to check. She told me to push through the contraction. In the middle of it she looked at the nurse and said, "Get the doctor! I feel the head!"

My bed became a transformer and transformed into my labor bed! Pushing was great! Until the second round when I told the doctor I couldn't do it and she told me to focus and I could (my wimp out moment)! Let me stop right here and say, I am so glad that I chose to induce to have my choice of doctor. She was wonderful and it was a totally different experience then my first. She let me pretty much do or say what I wanted and she was so professional. She knew I was a worry wart and she made sure I had no reason to worry. Love my doctor.

At the end of my second round of pushing I noticed that Maggie's heart rate was dropping and it was taking its time getting back to normal. After my third round of pushing, the doctor told me that we had to get Maggie out. So we started our fourth round. It was so much easier pushing this time because I knew what I was doing. I could tell what was happening. I asked for a mirror, but they didn't get it in time. I pushed three times on my fourth round and the head was out. The doctor looked at the nurses and told them that she couldn't pull Maggie. Klint looked and realized the cord was around her neck and the doctor was having to hold it from squeezing her neck. During my last push I had two nurses help push because the shoulders were stuck. And with 20 minutes or so total of pushing she was here at 9:03! One hour and a minute after they broke my water! We were dumb to think we would have made it back from Valdosta if my water had broke! There is no way!

She came into this world weighing 9lbs. 8oz. and they measured her at 22in. long (but at the doctor last week she was only 21in. so we aren't sure how long she really was at birth). I looked at the doctor in shock. I couldn't believe I gave birth to that big baby without any drugs. I felt proud! I am pretty tough after all! (Even though I did apologize to the nurses for being a wimp and yelling. They assured me I did great and they said I didn't yell at all!) Here are pictures of Miss Maggie!

 

 

It happened so fast that there was no family there. They got to the hospital right as they took her to the nursery. I did get to see Sophie without Maggie in the room which was a big deal to me because I didn't want her to see me with the new baby and feel she was being replaced. When Sophie did see me she was scared because of the IV and she wasn't sure of the bed because of a bad experience in the ER and gluing her chin. As soon as she knew I was okay, she wanted to go back and see Maggie.

I was exhausted and Klint and I were both in a state of shock. We expected something comparable to Sophie's birth. This was so fast! I stayed sore for most of the day, but I did notice that I seemed to recover quicker with Maggie then I did was Sophie. I really feel it was because I didn't have an epidural this time. And for the few minutes of pain I had, it was well worth it to have a fast delivery and a quick recovery! 

Klint was a little dazed!

I had to do an hour of skin to skin with Maggie (this was something new). Before Klint took her to the nursery, he got to hold her for a little bit!

Announcing her arrival!

We felt so blessed that Maggie was here and healthy especially since she wasn't supposed to be here at all! She is our miracle (as is Sophie) and we can't wait to see what the future holds for her!

Our family of four!