Lost

I just looked back at my old posts and I am ashamed to say it has been a year since I wrote anything. Where do you start after a year of nothing? I could start with all that has happened in the last year. I could just hit the high points. Or I could start from right now in this moment and explain why I am starting again.

I have been in a constant struggle lately with myself. I just don't feel like me. I feel as though I have lost who I am and in return have not been the best mother, wife, teacher, friend, etc. that I could or should be. I know everyone goes through lows, but this has been more. I just felt lost. I talked to Klint about it one night and he said he could tell I wasn't happy, but it was up to me to decide what made me happy and what I needed to do to get that back. I really thought about it for a while. What makes me happy? My family does, but I feel like I throw everything into them and at the end of the day, what is left for me? I know that sounds selfish, but I think your time is important. As mothers, I think we all forget about who we were before we had a husband, kids, a job or the other things life throws at us. I think it is easy to get lost in the whirlwind of life.

This past week was spring break for our family. We started the week by saying good bye to Klint's granddaddy. He was a great man! He had four children who gave him 18 grandchildren (I have been nervous to post that number because every time we count we get a different number) and they gave him and his sweet Pam Pam 39 great grandchildren. Amazing! It is hard to say what G-daddy was the most known for. One person said these are the five things he would remember about him. He loved God and the church. He loved his wife Helen (we all called her Pam Pam). He loved his family. He loved Georgia Christian School (the private school where he and most of the family went). The last thing was he loved sports namely GCS basketball. I think for someone to make that kind of impression on people is wonderful and what a legacy to leave. I think the thing that I have enjoyed the most is all the memories Granddaddy had captured of the family. He took pictures of everything. He filmed everything. Our only wedding video is the one that he did. All of this got me thinking "I want that for my kids. I want someone to tell my girls one day, "Your mama loved God. She loved your daddy. She loved you girls. She wrote it all down for y'all  to read."" 

Klint, Me, and Sophie at one of G-daddy's birhtday parties

I love this picture of Klint and his granddaddy. It looks like he is soaking up the moment of loving on his grandchild...

While our spring break had a rocky start, it ended up being a pretty good week. We had family willing to take the girls and we decided to take a night just for the two of us and we headed to the beach...our beach...St. Augustine. On the way, we actually got to talk. We didn't have the girls demanding a juice cup or asking when we were going to be there. We realized in that moment that we had not been on a trip, just the two of us since before Maggie was born. I think it had been almost three years. I hope we can start changing that soon. I told Klint some things that I missed. I missed blogging. I missed doing things just for me. He told me to do it. He said get back to blogging. He said he supported me in whatever I needed to do. I really married a great man! 

On our road trip!

So, I am going to start blogging again, but it lead me to thinking of other things I want to do. So I made a little list of things I could do just for me. (Every time I go to my female doctor she ask me if I have "me" time. She will be happy to know I am putting forth some effort.)

1. Start blogging again. (Got that going right now.)
2. Start studying my Bible more. (I got really good about this and got off track. Plan to change that.)
3. Take a bubble bath, paint my toenails or fingernails, have a pampering night just for me.
4. Find a hobby! (Klint brought it to my attention that I don't have a hobby....and I really don't. Maybe I should change that.)
5. Wake up earlier! (Okay, no scoffing at me please. I read this article and really can see the benefits of waking up early. I am a grumpy guss in the mornings, but on the occasions that I have gotten up because I couldn't sleep anymore, I felt better and I felt like my temperament was better. I guess it is worth a try!)

So I have my plan. I know what I need to start doing and maybe I need to be a little selfish once in a while, but I don't want to feel like I am losing me. I feel like if I am losing me, I am losing my role to the most important people in my life and that can't happen.