Letter to Mom...

Dear Mom,
Four years....that is a hard pill to swallow once you see it written out or say it out loud. Four years is too long to go without a mother. A day is really too long without a mom. I would know because it was impossible for me not to call you everyday when you were alive. Four years...so much I haven't been able to share with you in those four years.

Me...I'm fine! I find I say that a lot now a days because it just seems the easiest thing to say. What I should say is I am not fine. I haven't been fine for four years. I haven't felt balanced for four years. I haven't felt complete for four years. I haven't had my best friend for four years. You just knew. You knew me as only a mother would know their child and what they think, how they feel, what makes them tick. You knew what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. You let me make my decisions and when they backfired you wouldn't say "I told you so!" You would be my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and my compass to the next part of my life. Don't get me wrong. Klint is a tremendous light in my life and his advice and love are all I need most days. But there are still days when I long to hear you get excited because I am excited. Hear you laugh because I am exasperated with something Sophie has done. See the pride in your eyes at your youngest granddaughter, who you didn't meet on Earth, crawl before the other kids in her class.That's what I miss. I cling to things with your signature because it is my proof that you were here and that you loved me. I still have your number in my phone because it was once my connection to you. I still have emails in my inbox that you sent to me because when I see them for an instant I feel like you just sent them. I know this sounds like the ramblings of a mad person and that I am in denial, but I am very aware that you are not here physically. But these pieces make the world continuing on without you a little more bearable. It keeps me a little more balanced. It is my testimony that you were here!

Klint...He is the best husband, Mom. I am not an easy person to live with (as I know you are aware). He takes my flakiness, blondness, emotional times in stride and loves me even more for them. He is the first person I felt human around and felt like I could be myself besides around family of course. He does everything for me and the girls. He is the best daddy! Sophie is his little girl. She loves her daddy and they both think each other hung the moon. God couldn't have sent me a better partner when He put him in my life.

Sophie...Goodness your girl is a mess!  She brightens my life everyday. I have told her she helped me through one of the darkest parts of my life, losing you. I know she is too young to understand now, but maybe one day she will! She is so strong willed and stubborn and driven to get what she wants! I also know your pain in picking out my clothes when I was her age. We have a daily battle! She knows what she wants to wear just like I did back then. She's is very smart. Her reasoning and logic are unbelievable. You would love hearing her talk endlessly about princesses and loving church and her friend Justin and how she is going to marry him. (We tell her that is a long way off!) You would be amazed by her!

Maggie...How I missed you through my journey with Maggie and I wish everyday I could hear you talk about her now. I like to think you are a small part of the reason she is here with us today. (God, His grace, and faith are the big parts!) She is so perceptive and learns so fast! She came home smiling and she is my girl! She said "Momma" first and and calls me very often! Makes my heart happy! She is my little girl!

This year has been tougher than the last three because there are so many first that you have missed this year. You missed Sophie's first day of school. Maggie being born (Goodness, I missed you that day, but I felt you everywhere)! Maggie crawling! Maggie's first word! Just so much that you should be here for and you aren't.

I get angry. I get sad. I feel robbed! I feel hurt! Then I feel guilty for feeling this because I know that you are happy up there and you don't have gray hair (that plagued you here :) ) and your knees don't hurt anymore and you are with Pa and the child you never got to meet. Those thoughts make me happy and make me impatient to see you again one day.

I love you, Mom! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you!